now we take a break

So the decision from my RE was that we sit this cycle out. His vacation will inferfere with the timing of my IUI. So there is no choice but to wait for my next cycle and then take another try with the injectables and IUI.

So now I fucking wait. With virtually no chance of getting pregnant. And I wait the torturous 40+ days until my period comes again. This makes me so angry!!! I am frustrated beyond belief.

So today I started researching IVF. And found that we would be ineligible for shared risk IVF because we have had 3 miscarriages. With Shared Risk IVF you pay a little more but you get X amount of fresh cycles and as many cycles with frozen embryos as you can get that are leftovers from your fresh cycles. An IVF cycle is considered failed if you dont get pregnant or have a first trimester miscarriage. But when you have a history of recurrent miscarriages thet arent willing to "share" the risk with you. So we would have to do single cycle IVF at about $10K plus meds each cycle versus $20K plus meds for the shared risk IVF. I cant even think about it anymore, my head is spinning.

I realized last night that my infertility struggles have changed me so much, I really dont know how to have fun anymore. I have this constant cloud of depression over me. I wanted to badly to get out of the house and DO something. So we went to a friends house. And I just sat there on the couch while everyone played poker and drank and had a good time. I just sat on the couch, isolated and alone. I really need to stop. I want to have fun, I want to be the person I used to be. I just dont know how to do that right now.