This blog is about my life and my struggles with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. If you dont want to hear me whine about my struggles then you probably shouldnt read it

Monday, September 26, 2011

A few Hawaii pics.

A Hawaiian sunset

Brandon and I at Waikiki Beach

The view from our hotel balcony (that is Waikiki Beach)

Waikiki beach sunset

Brandon and I at some blow hole thingy (can't remember the name) 

Brandon swimming at Kailua Beach park (one of Oahu's most popular beaches)

Pretty pink hibiscus

View of Honolulu from the top of the crater at Punchbowl (a war veterans cemetary)

Some really weird hybrid hibiscus

Pretty yellow hibiscus (can you tell I like hibiscus?)

oh I almost forgot!!

Hawaii came and went and it was wonderful, spending time with my DH with no one else around. No treatments, doctors appointments, work or stress. It was heavenly and I am sad to be back home. I'll add some pics later

Coming out of the depression

has anyone ever heard that doctors and nurses are the worst patients?

Its true. Absolutely true. I think I have mentioned before that I am diabetic. Type 2, but I have been on insulin since my first pregnancy over 2 years ago. I go through periods where I just don't care, and I stop taking my insulin and let my eating go to hell in a handbasket.

Since my loss in June, I've been going through one of those periods. I saw my primary doctor almost 2 months ago, I confessed my bad behavior and depression causing me to just not care anymore. I know the consequences of diabetes, I see them at work every day, but for some reason I feel like I have no reason to care, I may never be a mother, the one thing I want the most, so who cares if Diabetes kills me? My primary doctor ordered some labs and changed my insulin. I never had the labs done, never went to my follow up appointment, but I did fill my prescription for new insulin. But I didn't take it.

My husband has been on my ass lately about taking my insulin. Annoying to say the least, when I was first diagnosed as a diabetic, he used to criticize everything. I used to call him the diabetes police. So last week I started being good about taking my insulin, I took my Lantus each night and remembered to take my Novolog with probably 80% of my meals. This weekend my husband told me how much it bothered him that I wasn't taking care of myself. He said "why are we spending so much time and money to have babies when you probably won't be around to take care of them because you don't take care of yourself". WOW. He is right (damn it!) and I know he is.

So now the change starts. Starting Oct 1st I will be on a diet. I am already tracking my calories on myfitnesspal, although I am going way over my calorie goal. It will also allow me to track my carbs like I am supposed to. I am continuing to take my insulin as I am supposed to and I will start checking my blood sugar an hour after I eat like I am supposed to (I am so bad about taking insulin then not monitoring my blood sugar). We will exercise, at least 3 days a week minimum (I got the Couch 2 5K app). And NO MORE SODA! Ack.... I am a horrible REGULAR soda drinker. Only 1 a day but still so horrible for a diabetic.

This is not going to stop me from my treatments. On Oct 5th I have my repeat pap and once the results come back my RE will give me the ok to start treatments. By my calculations it will likely be November before we get started, so that gives me a good month to get my shit together with my blood sugars and to lose some weight. I will also continue to lose during treatments, I did it in the spring, I can do it now.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

My break from life is almost here!

4 more days and I will be in Hawaii!!! I can't wait to get away from my life, infertility, loss and everything.  A whole week of no work, no family, no doctor's appointments and no stress. Just me, my husband and lots of sand and water.... and a few alcoholic drinks.

I'm struggling right now with not doing treatments. I swear these infertility treatments are like crack or something, highly addictive. Or maybe its the drive to have a baby that is highly addictive? I don't know. I keep trying to tell myself I have my vacation coming to keep my busy and then only a couple more weeks until my pap and then another week or so until I know if my TTC break will end or be extended.

I should be worried about my pap.... it showed squamous cells, which I know is pretty possibly cancer. I'm more worried that it is going to interfere with my TTC plans than it being a potential health hazard.