tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4007469491967771462024-03-05T01:53:59.630-08:00Waiting for my happily ever afterVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-86982861540758223402012-03-06T17:57:00.000-08:002012-03-06T17:57:38.232-08:0017 weeks!So now I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Our baby GIRL is doing great. Yep she is a girl. Her name is Brooklen. We are so excited and grateful to be having a healthy pregnancy this far, I feel like this is a dream come true and I am still waiting to wake up and have it all be a dream.<br />
<br />
So things are going good. Diabetes is in control. Baby's heartbeat is good, I am beginning to feel her move and kick here and there, although not consistently yet. We bought the furniture for the nursery and we are having fun buying all the cute girly things.<br />
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For the first time in the last 3 and a half years I feel happy.<br />
<br />
But my emotions and feelings from infertility and pregnancy loss are far from gone. I know I am pregnant with a healthy baby and that I should put all of the past 3 years behind me. But when I was in the thick of my infertility journey, I always said that it caused scars for life. I am now realizing that it is so true. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. It was the most devastation, emotion and turmoil my 12 year relationship with my husband has had to endure, and sometimes I wondered if we would make it. In 4 days it will be 2 years since the loss of my second baby (one of my girls) and although I wish I could let the day pass by without a thought, I find myself thinking of that baby, daydreaming of what my life would be like if she were here. I would never trade the baby girl bouncing inside of me, but she will never replace the one's I lost either. My losses haunt me everyday. There isnt a day that goes by that I don't have this moment of fear that something is wrong with my baby. Every doctors appointment is spent full of anxiety waiting for the doctor to not find the heartbeat or to be told something is wrong with our baby. I thought that as the pregnancy progressed that would go away, but it doesn't.<br />
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This is a blog that was shared by a friend, and it really sums up the emotions of infertility <a href="http://ilikepolaroids.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-gentle.html">http://ilikepolaroids.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-gentle.html</a>.<br />
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I dread the day when I have to go through all this again. In the end when you have your baby, it is worth it, but while you are going through it it is life changing and emotionally charged and it just sucks.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-23352812712917737252011-12-22T08:59:00.000-08:002011-12-22T08:59:49.822-08:00It's been a long time.....and some newsIm a horrible blog updater. But since my last entry we did 1 cycle of Clomid, Bravelle injections and a trigger shot. Which resulted in 2 follicles and............................<br />
<br />
A pregnancy. <br />
<br />
I swear I would be fertile myrtle if my ovaries worked right on their own. <br />
<br />
So I'm 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. With an EDD of 8/11/12. Those of you reading, shhhhhhhhhh!! It's a secret! I've told select family and friends but haven't announced to extended family or FB yet. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. I may announce to the world on Christmas. But I really want to keep it a secret until I lay my eyes on a living and breathing baby. I don't want to hear all the "stay positive" and "everything will be fine this time". No one knows that. No one can guarantee that. And it's hard to stay positive when all I've experienced is a negative outcome. <br />
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Am I excited you ask? No not really. Now this is just part of the process. I get pregnant. Try to pretend I'm not and just wait to make it past the first trimester. My first US is always good. Then the next is where it all goes bad. <br />
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I've been feeling very depressed. The holidays are hard when you don't have children. Even though there may be one growing inside me, I don't see the light at the end of the childless tunnel. I think I have PTSD from my other losses. All I can think about is having another miscarriage. I'm stressing over what is going to happen if my US is on a Friday then I'll have to wait all weekend for a D&C. I'm dreaming about being on the OR table and waking up in recovery. My dreams always end bad. I never get to dream of a delivery with a healthy and full term baby. I'm not coping very well with my emotions right now. I should be enjoying pregnancy. Instead I'm counting the days until its over. Whether that be next week or 8 1/2 months from now. I just want to fast forward. I want a crystal ball. I just want to know this baby will make it. But there is no one who can give me that guarantee.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-53082313880019697392011-09-26T16:53:00.000-07:002011-09-26T16:53:01.196-07:00A few Hawaii pics.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhADCINDQjKWW-WEZZ-RicO1rn2ZBQuKM2WQBG6dgC8C-e4tE4a39c8CPlmtf56gCnpLXsDFFreqKFfPx4GV2JrUBqrtO1bAPxO4LuUAWtcNrR-Dnlao2YzaW8O5nEqAIPpoRBOujp-P6A/s1600/DSCF0493.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhADCINDQjKWW-WEZZ-RicO1rn2ZBQuKM2WQBG6dgC8C-e4tE4a39c8CPlmtf56gCnpLXsDFFreqKFfPx4GV2JrUBqrtO1bAPxO4LuUAWtcNrR-Dnlao2YzaW8O5nEqAIPpoRBOujp-P6A/s320/DSCF0493.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Hawaiian sunset</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brandon and I at Waikiki Beach</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from our hotel balcony (that is Waikiki Beach)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waikiki beach sunset</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brandon and I at some blow hole thingy (can't remember the name) </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN_e8xM0PToGn9Kf5VPEmn9SuwjAmXOdxHoHWObBpNhf7MPRbAaJQVHcnjo21MjSFzpQt-T-5_z_he6XGzB6_GwJ0SLRatvDzXnd9MRSJ6i1KJfPaU3SjM02xw8nmpUzBgT-bD4k59r28/s1600/DSCF0627.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN_e8xM0PToGn9Kf5VPEmn9SuwjAmXOdxHoHWObBpNhf7MPRbAaJQVHcnjo21MjSFzpQt-T-5_z_he6XGzB6_GwJ0SLRatvDzXnd9MRSJ6i1KJfPaU3SjM02xw8nmpUzBgT-bD4k59r28/s320/DSCF0627.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brandon swimming at Kailua Beach park (one of Oahu's most popular beaches)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty pink hibiscus</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSFHsykEn1pk32-5j0PHU6ozuH1WckmyIkwQwY96vHmWvEbJsG4VLHtsbaq0W7Clbh2zZEchlg84nu6wKuY66mV3SA3cz_ALLomrQhbaZkv6ix33AcWfqujBOdfhR-8dNmFb0BQ7vToCk/s1600/DSCF0707.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSFHsykEn1pk32-5j0PHU6ozuH1WckmyIkwQwY96vHmWvEbJsG4VLHtsbaq0W7Clbh2zZEchlg84nu6wKuY66mV3SA3cz_ALLomrQhbaZkv6ix33AcWfqujBOdfhR-8dNmFb0BQ7vToCk/s320/DSCF0707.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">View of Honolulu from the top of the crater at Punchbowl (a war veterans cemetary)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz68ejL5X45xRwfvQ2tok9JqllkLUIMWTeVTHuocy1ooCkNQJZMJDCUBDioCyXKrl2Vgl7rTevzRRUjsDRP1qjaMHt-TMIPejUlkZz3MShkGd4IM8rJnP71yVeEYS3khj_VgJmw9_T44M/s1600/DSCF0575.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz68ejL5X45xRwfvQ2tok9JqllkLUIMWTeVTHuocy1ooCkNQJZMJDCUBDioCyXKrl2Vgl7rTevzRRUjsDRP1qjaMHt-TMIPejUlkZz3MShkGd4IM8rJnP71yVeEYS3khj_VgJmw9_T44M/s320/DSCF0575.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some really weird hybrid hibiscus</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEnf0T43Vh9buZum8-VMso-oJXvbIA9jlDY_SmEAfGmknBlTzLOrvAmnQngfneRlufSjDTqKWHf27txm5J6HNXcXHp-aNvm0AVRJZsfMMK7fdWiYr2RxJBwD-sI4osxodnaOVXxtZmR4/s1600/DSCF0576.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEnf0T43Vh9buZum8-VMso-oJXvbIA9jlDY_SmEAfGmknBlTzLOrvAmnQngfneRlufSjDTqKWHf27txm5J6HNXcXHp-aNvm0AVRJZsfMMK7fdWiYr2RxJBwD-sI4osxodnaOVXxtZmR4/s320/DSCF0576.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty yellow hibiscus (can you tell I like hibiscus?)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-90258908063825044302011-09-26T16:37:00.001-07:002011-09-26T16:37:17.781-07:00oh I almost forgot!!Hawaii came and went and it was wonderful, spending time with my DH with no one else around. No treatments, doctors appointments, work or stress. It was heavenly and I am sad to be back home. I'll add some pics laterVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-50523442073814977902011-09-26T16:34:00.000-07:002011-09-26T16:34:24.261-07:00Coming out of the depressionhas anyone ever heard that doctors and nurses are the worst patients?<br />
<br />
Its true. Absolutely true. I think I have mentioned before that I am diabetic. Type 2, but I have been on insulin since my first pregnancy over 2 years ago. I go through periods where I just don't care, and I stop taking my insulin and let my eating go to hell in a handbasket.<br />
<br />
Since my loss in June, I've been going through one of those periods. I saw my primary doctor almost 2 months ago, I confessed my bad behavior and depression causing me to just not care anymore. I know the consequences of diabetes, I see them at work every day, but for some reason I feel like I have no reason to care, I may never be a mother, the one thing I want the most, so who cares if Diabetes kills me? My primary doctor ordered some labs and changed my insulin. I never had the labs done, never went to my follow up appointment, but I did fill my prescription for new insulin. But I didn't take it.<br />
<br />
My husband has been on my ass lately about taking my insulin. Annoying to say the least, when I was first diagnosed as a diabetic, he used to criticize everything. I used to call him the diabetes police. So last week I started being good about taking my insulin, I took my Lantus each night and remembered to take my Novolog with probably 80% of my meals. This weekend my husband told me how much it bothered him that I wasn't taking care of myself. He said "why are we spending so much time and money to have babies when you probably won't be around to take care of them because you don't take care of yourself". WOW. He is right (damn it!) and I know he is.<br />
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So now the change starts. Starting Oct 1st I will be on a diet. I am already tracking my calories on myfitnesspal, although I am going way over my calorie goal. It will also allow me to track my carbs like I am supposed to. I am continuing to take my insulin as I am supposed to and I will start checking my blood sugar an hour after I eat like I am supposed to (I am so bad about taking insulin then not monitoring my blood sugar). We will exercise, at least 3 days a week minimum (I got the Couch 2 5K app). And NO MORE SODA! Ack.... I am a horrible REGULAR soda drinker. Only 1 a day but still so horrible for a diabetic.<br />
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This is not going to stop me from my treatments. On Oct 5th I have my repeat pap and once the results come back my RE will give me the ok to start treatments. By my calculations it will likely be November before we get started, so that gives me a good month to get my shit together with my blood sugars and to lose some weight. I will also continue to lose during treatments, I did it in the spring, I can do it now.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-19835714129519370552011-09-06T15:50:00.000-07:002011-09-06T15:50:30.110-07:00My break from life is almost here!4 more days and I will be in Hawaii!!! I can't wait to get away from my life, infertility, loss and everything. A whole week of no work, no family, no doctor's appointments and no stress. Just me, my husband and lots of sand and water.... and a few alcoholic drinks.<br />
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I'm struggling right now with not doing treatments. I swear these infertility treatments are like crack or something, highly addictive. Or maybe its the drive to have a baby that is highly addictive? I don't know. I keep trying to tell myself I have my vacation coming to keep my busy and then only a couple more weeks until my pap and then another week or so until I know if my TTC break will end or be extended.<br />
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I should be worried about my pap.... it showed squamous cells, which I know is pretty possibly cancer. I'm more worried that it is going to interfere with my TTC plans than it being a potential health hazard.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-18694264580102251882011-08-23T10:18:00.000-07:002011-08-23T10:18:05.490-07:00Update on my RE visitSo I thought I would update after my RE appt. <br />
<br />
My Husband does not have a balanced translocation. He is a genetically normal male karotype. His semen analysis was great (309million sperm count, this made him proud)<br />
<br />
So as far as answers, we have none. My RE brought up IVF with PGD, but said if I could get to where I can view losing pregnancies as part of the process, it is a waste of money. <br />
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I'm not sure how I can ever view losing babies as a process, but I guess in a way it is. With no answers linking my losses it is basically keep trying and see how many babies have to die before I get a take home baby. I do feel that I could go through more losses. It breaks my heart everytime but it breaks my heart more to give up on my dream of having a child. <br />
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So the plan is.....go back on my Clomid/injectables sequential protocol. But not until around November. I don't want a break, but my pap smear in June was abnormal and I have a follow up pap on Oct 5th. My RE wants a clear pap before I start TTC again. So I guess we wait. It's been 4 months since my last treatment cycle and it's killing me to not do anything. <br />
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On a happy note....we are going to Hawaii on Sept 10th. I can't wait for a break from the chaos of my life Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-70508015361007106612011-08-05T19:48:00.001-07:002011-08-05T19:48:02.591-07:00Back to the RESo in light of our recent results on what caused our most recent loss, I made an appt with our RE. I dreaded it... which is odd. I usually look forward to going, but that is because I know each time I go I am making progress towards my goal. Now I feel that when I go I will just get bad news and told there is little they can do outside of IVF with PGD. But I did it. We will go together to meet with our RE on Aug 16th.<br />
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I am glad my husband is going. I think he needs to hear first hand what we are dealing with and how we are going to be able to get a living baby. But I am so afraid they are going to tell me that IVF is the only way. And right now that just seems so far out of our reach.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-86048354688320018702011-08-02T15:09:00.000-07:002011-08-02T15:09:11.858-07:00And the results are in....My baby (the most recent loss) was a girl, and she had Turner's Syndrome 45X. Same diagnosis as my second baby.<br />
<br />
TS is supposedly a somewhat rare genetic disorder, although as most babies with TS are lost in the first trimester it is thought it may be more common since many first trimester miscarriages do not undergo genetic testing. But it is cause for concern for my OB and RE that I had 2 babies with this genetic disorder. The statistics say it happens in 1 in 2500 pregnancies. Oh how could I be so lucky to have it happen twice?<br />
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I don't know how I feel about these results. I knew it would be something genetic. I am blown away that it is the same damn thing that killed my baby girl last March, but I am also sad because it still leaves us with no answers. As much as I hate to think something is wrong with me that is causing this, having a diagnosis that can be treated is a lot easier than just "bad luck"<br />
<br />
I don't know where we will go from here. I have to make an appt with my RE and discuss our options now that I have the test results back. Likely he will recommend IVF with PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) which of course comes with a HUGE price tag. But I feel that it is really the only way to make sure this doesnt happen again.<br />
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All my life I have always wanted a baby girl. What woman doesn't? But it is extremely hard knowing that I for sure could have had 2 but lost them. I am wondering if there is some truth to the theory that some people just can't have one sex or the other as far as babies go? Of course I would be happy to have any baby, but I have a feeling I may end up with only my baby girls in heaven. But I will take some baby boys on earth!Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-11183584503200362842011-07-05T20:40:00.000-07:002011-07-05T20:40:54.611-07:003 weeks tomorrow3 weeks ago tomorrow I found out that I lost my 4th baby. I've been doing ok. Mostly existing. Going to work, hanging out with friends pretending like everything is fine. I must be doing a damn good job because no one has mentioned anything about my loss. I go through everyday with a fake smile on my face and every night when my husband is asleep I cry. I don't want him to be sad. I just want him to move on.<br />
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Some people I work with still don't know. On a daily basis I still get "how's the baby?" questions. I seriously want to slap some people, I know its not their fault but with each pregnancy question, I feel like a knife is being wielded farther in my heart.<br />
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My RE called me a couple weeks ago. Brandon had a chromosomal karotyping done on his blood and a semen analysis. I doubt those tests will tell us anything though. We basically do nothing and wait for test results. He once again assured me he reviewed my tests for recurrent miscarriage and everything is normal and nothing was missed.<br />
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Still waiting for the chromosomal karotyping on the baby. That will tell us the real story. I had my follow up appt with my OB last week. Physically normal and all healed fro my D&C, but the emotional scars will never go away.<br />
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I don't know where this journey is going now. After all the test results come back I have to go back to my RE and discuss our options as far as treatment.<br />
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I'm really starting to wonder how much more of this I can handle. 32 months now. 32 months of nothing but heartache. Its like a roller coaster that I can't get off. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I need antidepressants, but I don't think any medication can numb this pain. It controls my life, in every aspect. We are talking about a trip to Hawaii in the fall. But I can't book it now because I don't know what my treatment plan will be. I can't chance booking the trip only to find out that I have to get an ultrasound that week. Infertility is running my life. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't think there is any way to stop it.<br />
<br />
Life is so unfair. Mother's kill their babies and don't even get punished (Casey Anthony) and people like me or my friend Tiffany who lost her baby boy at 38 weeks the day after my loss, have to suffer through a loss of a baby that we would have given our lives for. It's just not fair.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-70926302757276387162011-06-20T08:56:00.000-07:002011-06-20T08:56:35.996-07:00It just keeps getting betterWell I haven't updated in awhile. Mainly because I was keeping a secret. On Mother's Day I found out we were pregnant. Our last treatment cycle worked! The best thing is my due date was 1/18/12. The same due date as my first baby, just 2 days later. That had to be a sign that things were going to be ok.<br />
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I had an US at 6w6d and there was indeed a wonderful baby growing inside of me with a HB of 133. I was so excited. I felt like this was it for us and all the pain and heartache of this journey would be cured by this baby growing inside of me.<br />
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Last Wednesday we made the trip back to my RE's office in San Francisco, I was 9 weeks pregnant. I was nervous of course, but hoping this would be my last trip to the RE. Everything was going to be fine and then I could be released to my OB.<br />
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As I lay down on the table for the ultrasound, I could feel my heart beating all over my body, just nerves I tell myself, I felt the same 2 weeks earlier and everything was fine. The NP begins the US. She doesnt say anything for a few seconds, then she says "I'm just looking for a heartbeat". Here is where I start to get worried. See at 9 weeks pregnant, the baby should be moving all over. I know this from my first pregnancy. So after a couple minutes that felt like hours, she says the words I have heard all too many times before "I'm sorry I can't find a heartbeat". At first I didn't even cry, I've heard these words 2 other times before. Then I look at my husband standing in the corner, he was so excited for this baby, he was much more attached than the other 2 because he also thought this time was for real, there is no way we would be forced to go through the same punishment of losing a baby again. I just lost it.<br />
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After I composed myself it dawned on me, what are we going to do next. Of course most people who just found out they lost a baby wouldn't immediately be thinking about trying again. But for someone who has spent the last 31 months suffering through losses and infertility, it is the first thing you think about. This time was especially urgent for me. I have had every test to determine the causes of my miscarriages. Everything is normal. Apparently for some reason we have such bad luck that every baby has some freak genetic problem. How much bad luck can one person have? I want an answer, I want a cure, a treatment. But there is none.<br />
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The NP says, some people this just happens to. Some people have 10 or 12 losses before they have a healthy baby. Well there has to be an alternative. There is no fucking way I can go through this again. 4 is enough. Much more than one person should have to experience.<br />
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I had my D&C on last Thursday. It was sad that I knew everyone at the hospital. The same nurses I had during my last D&C were there and got me ready for surgery. I mean honestly, who the fuck has to do this procedure 3 times in 2 years?<br />
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So as of now the only option is likely in vitro fertilization (IVF) and they can genetically test each embryo and only transfer the genetically normal embryo's to my uterus. Ok great. Unfortunately it is sooo expensive. A single round of IVF is around $10-12K. It's not a 100% guarantee. Average is a 45-50% pregnancy rate. And there is no guarantee any of the embryo's would be genetically normal. I could pump myself full of hormones. Stimulate my ovaries to produce 20-30 eggs. Go under anesthesia to harvest the eggs, only to have no normal embryo's grow. There is no way to predict the outcome.<br />
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So for now we are waiting for the chromosomal karotyping of the baby to see if there was a genetic issue and what it was. From there I am sure we will be seeing the geneticist at my RE's office and likely will do some testing on Brandon.<br />
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My emotions are different this time. I am so incredibly angry. The anger I feel is like nothing I have felt in my life. I feel like I am being punished for something, but can't figure out what I have done for this punishment. People keep telling me I am so strong. But I'm not. I may seem like it on the outside but I am dying inside. I can't walk around everyday crying and depressed. It makes people uncomfortable. They don't understand. So I suck it up and go to work and hang out with friends, all the while inside I can guarantee you there isn't an hour that goes by that I am not thinking of my babies I lost or my struggle to have a healthy baby. Everything reminds me of it. Every where I go I see pregnant women, or women with babies in tow. Constant reminders that they are mothers and I am not and may never be one. I may never give my husband the joy of being a father, or my parent's the joy of another grandchild. Even being wheeled out of the hospital after my D&C a hugely pregnant woman steps in the elevator with me. I'm sitting there in my wheelchair, trying to hold in my tears and thinking "is this a fucking cruel joke?" I mean honestly, what are the odds? That after having my dead baby scraped and sucked out of my body that I would have to sit in an elevator at eye level with a huge pregnant belly. That is just my luck apparently. Call me bitter, call me a pregnant woman hater, I don't care. That's what I am. I know people that have had 2 babies in the time I have been trying for one.<br />
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I feel so depressed about the uncertainty of our infertility journey. I think that is the hardest for me this time. I don't know how we are going to overcome this "bad luck" as they tell us it is. Infertility treatments can handle almost anything. But there is no defying genetics. We could very well pay all that money for IVF and end up with no genetically normal embryos.<br />
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So what do we do. For now I guess we have to wait for our formal appointment with my RE to discuss what he feels is our best option. I don't think that will happen until after the karotyping of the baby comes back (which I think took about 3 weeks last time). We also put off buying a new car, since our quest to have a baby is likely to get more expensive. Our potential baby will be our car payment. I also have to go and get yet another date added to my angel baby tattoo. And I have to put on my happy face and go back to work in 5 days and pretend that I am ok and my life is wonderful, when in reality my life really sucks.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-72426696449134661942011-04-27T17:10:00.000-07:002011-04-27T17:10:15.291-07:00National Infertility Awareness WeekThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week.<br />
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<a href="http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html">http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html</a><br />
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^^^ That is the NIAW home page on resolve.org. Resolve.org is the ONLY advocacy group for infertility. Check it out. Link it to your FB and break the silence. Infertility is such a hush hush disease. And yes it is a disease. Speak up, break the silence. Let people know it exists and it is rampant. Maybe the insurance companies and government will hear us and start making it easier for us infertiles to afford treatments to expand our families. Reproduction is generally a god given right for most women, for those who are infertile it is often a financially driven privledge. If you dont have the money well then you dont get to have a baby. Its not right and it has to change.<br />
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Check it out and show your support.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-31667045759847480592011-04-27T17:06:00.000-07:002011-04-27T17:06:47.848-07:00Getting better with the updatinglets see where did I leave off...<br />
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Well I think I said that my first cycle of my new treatment protocol was a bust. If I didnt say that now you know.<br />
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So we did the same thing this time. Clomid 100mg CD2-6 and Bravelle 75 units injections starting on CD7. I went for my CD10 ultrasound fully expecting to have a mature follicle like I did the first cycle. Negative. I had 2 13mm follicles, one on the right ovary and one on the left ovary. So home I went to take 3 more days of Bravelle and have another US on CD13. So Monday (CD13) I went back to UCSF for another US. The follicle on the right ovary had grown to 17.5 mm and the one on the left was 13mm still. I was....disappointed, to say the least. I know one follicle is better than none, which is what I usually get on my own. But I am spending all this money and time and all this stress, I was hoping to have both follicles mature and give us a little bit of an increased chance of pregnancy this cycle.<br />
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So I was sent home to take one more dose of Bravelle and take my trigger shot on Tuesday (CD14) night. They said the 13mm follicle on the left ovary *may* mature and release an egg but its not likely. Follicles mature at a max of 2mm a day with stimulation, so at most by Tuesday it would be 15mm, the trigger shot may mature it another 2mm but at 17mm it is still not likely to release an egg. But predicting follicle maturation is not an exact science and they sometimes grow as fast or as slow as they want so there is a chance (very small) that it could mature enough to release an egg. Yay if it does. Hopefully it only results in 1 baby, but if it results in more then we will deal with that later. We knew it was a risk.<br />
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So now we are in the actively part of trying to make a baby, if you know what I mean. An a couple of weeks we will know if we were successful or if we are moving onto another cycle.<br />
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I've been thinking of going to an infertility support group. The nearest one is in Sacramento. It is a peer led support group through resolve.org. I may check it out. I feel like a bipolar person. One minute I am up and excited and the next minute I am down and depressed and convinced that nothing will make this happen. I hate feeling like that. And no one who hasnt been through it understands.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-18197079543346234482011-04-12T16:17:00.000-07:002011-04-12T16:17:24.575-07:00I know, I know...I'm a bad blog updaterBut here it is. My last cycle was Clomid 100mg CD2-6, Bravelle 75IU CD7-10, ovidrel trigger shot and prometrium after ovulation.<br />
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I went for a follicle check US on CD10 which showed 1 17.5mm follicle. I took my trigger shot on CD11.<br />
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The waiting was horrendous, as it always is.<br />
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14DPO, 16 days past the trigger shot and the pregnancy test was negative (that was yesterday). Of course I tested prior to that so I had a feeling it was going to be the result. I stopped my progesterone as told by my RE and now I am waiting for my period to start so I can do this all again.<br />
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My frustration levels are so high. I dont understand why I expected any different result. Everything all this time has been a failure, why would this be anything different?<br />
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Oh and my saline sonogram was normal. My uterus is perfect. Not even any scar tissue from my D&Cs (thanks Dr. Carol!). So we are back to square 1 with the recurrent miscarriages. 3 babies lost with no connecting cause.<br />
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So once again I am just waiting.....I'm going to really start exploring the options that UCSF has for financing IVF, because I really think that is the direction we are heading in. I think once I know when my next appointment is there I will schedule an appointment with their financial counselor and see what our options are as far as financing that $25K it will cost.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-22935370215132271732011-03-07T16:05:00.000-08:002011-03-07T16:05:26.267-08:00Update on my RE appointmentSo last Wednesday I had my consultation with my new RE at University of California San Francisco. Other than the 2 1/2 hr 1 way drive it was awesome!<br />
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The office staff has been nothing but helpful and understanding. They make me feel like I am important to them and that my treatment matters. I didnt feel that with the asshole doctor I saw before.<br />
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The doctor was wonderful, he respected my knowledge I have as a nurse and someone who has spent countless hours researching infertility. He took my concerns into consideration. He was happy with the testing I had so far. He concurred with my diagnosis of PCOS. He urged me to work on losing weight to decrease my risk of miscarriage, as well as keep my diabetes controlled.<br />
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He felt that IUI was a waste of money, he said that there are no sperm issues and it isnt necessary and wont increase our chances. He also felt that going straight injectables was a little extreme as he is really concerned about multiples.<br />
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The plan is to take 100mg of Clomid CD2-6 and then 75IU of Menopur or Bravelle starting on CD7 with a couple ultrasounds to monitor follicle development. Then trigger the follicles with Ovidrel and have timed intercourse. Great news is he is willing to use up my Menopur and Bravelle that I have at home, I have enough for 3 cycles. The Clomid is cheap, under $10. So the costs will be much less than what I paid before. I will also continue on Prometrium.<br />
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The diagnosis of a clotting disorder by the other doctor was dismissed by my new doctor. He said an increased protein C activity does not make you at risk for clots. A decreased protein C activity does. He told me to stop the baby aspirin, I dont need Lovenox when I am pregnant. Unfortunately I am back to having no link to my miscarriages. But he said that all 3 have their own explainations and they were likely just bad luck. My diabetes, PCOS and being overweight all increase the risk of miscarriage and I just have to be ok with that to proceed with the treatments. As much as it would kill me to lose another baby, I cant give up just because of that. I can survive another loss, I cant survive giving up and never knowing if I could have been a mother.<br />
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All in all I am very happy with my new RE. The only further testing I need is a Saline Sonohysterogram to check the anatomy of my uterus, that can be done concurrently with a treatment cycle. My next cycle should start in a couple of weeks and then we will get startedVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-54008339358821628822011-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:002011-02-23T21:06:59.140-08:00Oh its been awhileWell it's been awhile since I updated. I've been trying to busy myself and stay distracted from the fact that I'm infertile and I have a better chance of hitting the jackpot in Vegas than becoming a mother. <br />
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Anyways, the distracting didn't help much but here is what's new with my journey to beat infertility. <br />
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So after the crazy ass doctor dumped me I began the search for a new Repro Endo (RE). After multiple battles with my insurance company I finally got an appointment for a consult. I have to go to the University of California San Francisco Center for Reproductive health. Awesome infertility center yes, but very far away. It's about a 2-2 1/2 hr drive ONE way. Not too bad until you think that I could potentially be making that drive 2-3 times per week. Not to mention the stressful Bay Area traffic and driving on the Bay Bridge (which I HATE). Well I guess just one of the many sacrifices I will be making for children. <br />
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So this process to my consultation has been unfolding over the last 6 weeks or so. My appointment is next Wednesday, March 2nd. It seems like I've been waiting forever!! <br />
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So what have I been doing to pass the time? Well I did get one cycle with ovulation on my own where we actually got to try and make a baby. Although the trying was fun, it didn't result in a baby. Not sure why I was surprised. That is the usual outcome. Other than that I've been working, shopping and that's it. <br />
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My husband can't get the day off for my appointment o my mom is going with me. She was worried about me driving to San Francisco alone, not sure why, it's going to happen eventually. My husband isn't going to be able to go with me to every appointment. But she wants to HO so how do you say no to a mom who wants her daughter to giver her a grandchild more than anything in the world? Answer, you don't say no. So Mom's coming. I lobe my mom and I know it upsets her to see me going through all this but it's a little awkward talking to the doctor about the methods in which you have had sex in an attempt to make a baby In front of your mother. Oh well. Guess I have to get over it. <br />
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Mostly I'm excited about my appointment. I'm very nervous though. I've been very wronged by a doctor I trusted and I feel like I'm just walking into another bad situation. I'm nervous this doctor will want more testing done, I know that there are probably more tests we should do just in case, but tests take time and I'm so tired of giving up more time!!! I've waited long enough. <br />
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I'll update with the details of my appointment. And I'm sure you will see some very emotional posts coming soon as my baby girl's "angelversary" approaches on March 10th.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-17982068780825649602011-01-06T09:47:00.000-08:002011-01-06T09:47:38.066-08:00I wanna kill someone!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So finally yesterday was CD1. I started spotting on Tuesday and tried to get ahold of my RE to find out when to bring him my injections to mix. The office told me he was on call and they would give him the message when he was back in the office on Friday (he was going to be in another office Wednesday and Thursday) I was a little irritated, I mean last time I started my injections on CD2. Friday would be CD3 or 4. So yesterday I called the other office and left a message. <br />
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I received a call back from the Medical Assistant. Informing me that my doctor would no longer be treating me. He didnt have the time to monitor me and recommended I see another RE like at UC Davis or something. Nice HUH?? On Monday I called him to get Provera to induce my period, he had the MA call and tell me to start it and to call to drop off my injections and schedule my US when I started my period. I never took the Provera because I started spotting. Then 2 days later he says he doesnt want to treat me. <br />
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So now I am on CD2 with $1300 in injections in my cabinet and no doctor to do my treatments. I spent weeks arguing and appealing my insurance to cover part of my IUIs and ultrasounds. Now those authorizations are invalid, they cant be transferred to another doctor. I have to get new authorizations for everything. <br />
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The asshole doctor didnt even have the balls to call me himself. I know he doesnt want to treat me because I question him too much, I am very knowledgable in medicine and infertility. He didnt like that. On top of that now that I am not a fully self paying patient, they arent going to make much money off of me.<br />
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I wish he would have told me this after my first cycle, instead of telling me to order injections and get ready for the next cycle. Or even better tell me at the consultation I had 4 months ago that he didnt have the time to do my treatments. Instead he wasted 4 months of my time and thousands of dollars for nothing. I could have already seen another doctor and been pregnant by now. <br />
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I am beyond angry and frustrated. This process is emotional and stressful enough, now I have a stupid doctor that did nothing but waste my money, lead me on and cause me more stress and frustration.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-2709829506992757242010-12-27T16:57:00.000-08:002010-12-27T16:57:36.302-08:00still waiting....and waiting...and waitingSo today is CD40. No ovulation, no period. Nothing. I ordered my injections on Friday in hopes that I would start having anovulation bleeding soon and could start my next injectables and IUI cycle, but no. My life could not be that easy. <br />
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So I guess I will call my RE tomorrow and ask for Provera. He told me to call if no period by CD35 but I was hoping it would come on its own since last time I took Provera it turned into a big fucking mess and I needed 2 courses to finally get a period, took 30 days from start to finish. Had I waited I would have probably started on my own sooner. <br />
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The depression is sinking in again. In less than a month will be the anniversary of my first angel baby's due date. On January 18th I would have been celebrating my baby's first birthday. On Jan 21st will be a year that I found out I was pregnant with my angel baby girl. I am hoping I will have good luck and get pregnant in January again.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-65846228686296267772010-12-08T13:31:00.000-08:002010-12-08T13:31:14.918-08:00Infertility ettiquetteThis is from a website called resolve.org. It is a website designed to offer support and services for people suffering from infertility. There is one particularly helpful page, regarding infertility ettiquette. This really hits home for me, during this 25 month long journey I have heard all of these things. And even though others think they are helpful and I may not seem they upset me, everytime I hear things like this it feels like a knife is going through my heart. Here it is<br />
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<h1>Infertility Etiquette</h1><br />
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Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time. <br />
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life. <br />
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal. <br />
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. <br />
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:<br />
<ul><li>They will eventually conceive a baby. </li>
<li>They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children. </li>
<li>They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent. </li>
</ul>Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support. <br />
<strong>Don't Tell Them to Relax</strong><br />
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile. <br />
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant. <br />
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. <br />
<strong>Don't Minimize the Problem</strong><br />
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy. <br />
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. <br />
<strong>Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen</strong><br />
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? <br />
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. <br />
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility. <br />
<strong>Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents</strong><br />
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature. <br />
<strong>Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF</strong><br />
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?" <br />
<strong>Don't Be Crude</strong><br />
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends. <br />
<strong>Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy</strong><br />
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier. <br />
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. <br />
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes." <br />
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her. <br />
<strong>Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant</strong><br />
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting. <br />
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families. <br />
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later. <br />
<strong>Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition</strong><br />
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones. <br />
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized. <br />
<strong>Don't Push Adoption (Yet)</strong><br />
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another. <br />
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby. <br />
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself. <br />
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas. <br />
<strong>Let Them Know That You Care</strong><br />
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone. <br />
<strong>Remember Them on Mother's Day</strong><br />
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. <br />
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them. <br />
<strong>Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments</strong><br />
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. <br />
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again. <br />
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<a href="http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html">http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html</a>Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-3968532827270325682010-12-01T19:31:00.000-08:002010-12-01T19:31:36.917-08:00Still waiting....So today is CD14 with no signs of ovulation approaching. Of course I didnt expect any different since I am not on meds this cycle. This seems like the longest wait ever. I have been trying really hard to distract myself with Christmas shopping and decorating. But it really isnt working.All I did was spend money that I should have been saving for my treatment cycles.<br />
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Today marks 25 months since we started trying to have a baby. That is a long fucking time!! My husband still insist that "it hasnt been that long". What the fuck ever. Maybe in man time it hasnt been that long, but in real time its long. Go take a poll of every one we know and see how many took 25 months to have a baby. Oh thats right......NO ONE!!! <br />
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I wish there was some way to take my mind off of all of it. But I know I am being ridiculous to think there is a way to forget. To forget all the heartache, frustration and devastation....there is no way. I really dont even think getting pregnant will take it away. <br />
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Not much else to say today.....just waiting and waiting and waitingVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-63923361964186411512010-11-21T20:21:00.000-08:002010-11-21T20:21:58.884-08:00now we take a breakSo the decision from my RE was that we sit this cycle out. His vacation will inferfere with the timing of my IUI. So there is no choice but to wait for my next cycle and then take another try with the injectables and IUI. <br />
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So now I fucking wait. With virtually no chance of getting pregnant. And I wait the torturous 40+ days until my period comes again. This makes me so angry!!! I am frustrated beyond belief. <br />
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So today I started researching IVF. And found that we would be ineligible for shared risk IVF because we have had 3 miscarriages. With Shared Risk IVF you pay a little more but you get X amount of fresh cycles and as many cycles with frozen embryos as you can get that are leftovers from your fresh cycles. An IVF cycle is considered failed if you dont get pregnant or have a first trimester miscarriage. But when you have a history of recurrent miscarriages thet arent willing to "share" the risk with you. So we would have to do single cycle IVF at about $10K plus meds each cycle versus $20K plus meds for the shared risk IVF. I cant even think about it anymore, my head is spinning. <br />
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I realized last night that my infertility struggles have changed me so much, I really dont know how to have fun anymore. I have this constant cloud of depression over me. I wanted to badly to get out of the house and DO something. So we went to a friends house. And I just sat there on the couch while everyone played poker and drank and had a good time. I just sat on the couch, isolated and alone. I really need to stop. I want to have fun, I want to be the person I used to be. I just dont know how to do that right now.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-60873470058935618732010-11-17T16:33:00.000-08:002010-11-17T16:33:34.646-08:00My body failed me once againso today at 11-12DPO I started having more of a light red flow. Its my period coming, despite the prometrium. With a shorter LP than my normal 13-14 days. My RE said to continue the prometrium until Friday and not to count this as CD1 yet. On friday I am supposed to call him to work out the next treatment cycle. I dont know what he is going to do because next week he is only in the office Monday and Tuesday due to the holiday. <br />
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I am so angry right now. 1800 fucking dollars thrown in the trash basically. I dont know how much longer we can afford to do this. We just completed our bankruptcy to get into a better financial situation, only to start dropping thousands on infertility treatments. <br />
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And if one more person tells me to stop stressing I am going to punch them in the vagina!! Seriously, I updated my failed cycle on facebook only to have someone tell me to "stop stressing, it will happen" DON'T TELL ME TO STOP STRESSING!!! I have a right to stress, I have a right to be pissed off, sad, depressed and to be a big emotional ball of bitterness and anger. It is me who lost 3 babies not you, it is me who has been trying to have a child for 2 fucking years, it is me who just spent $1800 on a failed cycle. Not you. Until you have been through what I have you cant say shit to me. And even if you have, you still cant say shit to me. Dont make me feel like my stress is unwarranted, or me stressing is causing me to be infertile. Because its not. Infertility isnt cause by stress. Its a medical diagnosis and a real medical problem. <br />
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PHEW....ok I feel better. Well not really but at least I got it off my chest. I'm gonna go take a shower right now so I can cry hysterically where my DH cant hear me.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-48675233595440181372010-11-15T16:54:00.000-08:002010-11-15T16:54:48.901-08:00This is the hardest partSo today I am 10 days post IUI and 9-10DPO. I tested BFN on a FRER. Of course I am, and have been, having a ton of pregnancy symptoms but that is due to the Prometrium I have been taking. So I have done very well about not analyzing symptoms. Until today......<br />
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I had 1 episode of pink spotting. I NEVER NEVER have spotting. Not in my luteal phase, not before my period and not in any of my 3 pregnancies. This is something totally new. The rational part of me is saying "ignore it" but the irrational part of me is saying "maybe it's implantation bleeding" <br />
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Ugh......this 2WW is gonna drive me nutsVanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-400746949196777146.post-56211519888026632132010-11-11T21:53:00.000-08:002010-11-11T21:53:37.926-08:00So I decided to take the plunge....and write a blog. I guess I will start with a little bit about me. <br />
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I'm Vanessa, I am 28. I've been married for 2 1/2 years to my high school sweetheart and love of my life, Brandon. We have struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage for 2 years. This is important as most of this blog will revolve around my struggles with infertility.<br />
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A little background of my infertility journey.... I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) I dont regularly ovulate (produce eggs) on my own. I also have a luteal phase defect where my body doesnt produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. This is fixed with supplements. I have been pregnant 3 times, yet we have no babies. I lost a baby at 15 weeks, a baby girl at 10 weeks and another baby at 4 weeks. I also have a blood clotting disorder (an increased Protein C activity) that contributed to the loss of my babies.<br />
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My first pregnancy was conceived naturally, though it took 7 months. It was pure luck. My 2nd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid (a fertility drug) and my 3rd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid with an HCG trigger shot.<br />
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I just finished my first cycle with injectible fertility drugs, Menopur and Bravelle. This was paired with intrauterine insemination (IUI). I am hoping with everything in me that it worked. The cost for this 1 cycle was close to $2000. And that was with ordering the meds from Eurpope. That price would have been doubled had I ordered them in the US. I am also taking prometrium to raise my progesterone levels and baby aspirin to help the blood clotting disorder. <br />
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The last 2 years has been a total cluster fuck of emotions for me and my husband. The emotional ups and downs are insane, we have gone from "Yay we're pregnant" and happy and preparing for a baby to hear, "I'm sorry your baby has no heart beat" TWICE. We had a whirlwind pregnancy where we only knew for 3 days before I found out I would miscarry. That one wasnt as hard, I hardly had time to process it. The other 2 were the absolute most devastating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw my baby heartbeats, I saw them move on an ultrasound machine, I was buying baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. And in an instant it was all gone, instead of being in a delivery room pushing out a baby, I was taken to an operating room and had my babies ripped from my body, TWICE.<br />
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Not only have the miscarriages taken a toll on my emotionally, the struggle and disappointment of infertility has forever changed the person I am. I feel cheated. I feel like I should be able to just get pregnant, no trying, taking ovulation tests, going to multiple dr visits, spending $2000 a cycle on drugs, straining my marriage because I am in a constant state of anger, bitterness and basically obsessed with getting pregnant. Its not fair. I shouldn't have to go through this. I know I should be fortunate I can afford the treatments, and I am, but it is just not fair. There is no other way to explain it. <br />
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I hardly have any faith and hope left anymore. Even this cycle with 4, possibly 5 eggs and perfect timing with the IUI and such an increased chance of conceiving. I can only be pessimistic and think that in a week my period will come and I will have wasted $2000 on nothing. I have no hope. I have my guard up and live in a constant state of thinking I will never be a mom, so when it does happen I will be really surprised. <br />
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The loss of my babies and my struggles with infertility affect my life everyday. I cant look at pregnant women or babies without being near tears. Recently when a friend told me that her and her husband decided to start trying to get pregnant, all I could think is "oh no! She will get pregnant AND have a baby before I do". I am so angry, jealous and bitter. I cant go to baby showers, I cant go to visit a friend who had a new baby. I just cant. At night I cry. I am so frustrated with this whole process. Sometimes I feel like I cant do it anymore, but I also feel like I cant stop.<br />
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I feel horrible for my husband, I feel like I make him think that I am not happy with what our life is. I love him more than anything and I am happy with our marriage and the life we have. But it will never be complete without a child. I will do everything in my power to have a child, I will never accept a life being childless. <br />
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Very few people in my life understand what I have been through in the last 2 years. I get a lot of "stop stressing" "just relax and it will happen" "It will happen when its meant to be". The insensitivity of people baffles me. I guess its just that they dont understand. If you have never struggled to have a child there really is no way you can understand. Dont tell me to relax, dont tell me to pray, dont tell me to have hope. None of that is going to solve anything. I have true and real MEDICAL problems that prevent me from conceiving and carrying a pregnancy. No amount of praying, hoping or relaxing will fix it. <br />
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I get a lot of support from a website called Baby Center. I found this online community when I was pregnant with my first baby, I didnt go there for a few months after my miscarriage but I found my way back to their miscarriage and infant loss support group. From there I moved on to the Actively Trying group where I met some of the greatest friends who fully understood what I was going through, over a year later I still talk with these girls online and over the phone. I am also a group owner of Actively Trying, which is the largest trying to conceive board on Baby Center. It helps me to go on there and share my knowledge of infertility and help others get to know their bodies better. I probably spend way too much time on there, but I really enjoy it. I feel like I can speak freely about my feelings about my infertility and miscarriages there, where I cant in real life.Vanessahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272122030213849225noreply@blogger.com0