now we take a break

So the decision from my RE was that we sit this cycle out. His vacation will inferfere with the timing of my IUI. So there is no choice but to wait for my next cycle and then take another try with the injectables and IUI.

So now I fucking wait. With virtually no chance of getting pregnant. And I wait the torturous 40+ days until my period comes again. This makes me so angry!!! I am frustrated beyond belief.

So today I started researching IVF. And found that we would be ineligible for shared risk IVF because we have had 3 miscarriages. With Shared Risk IVF you pay a little more but you get X amount of fresh cycles and as many cycles with frozen embryos as you can get that are leftovers from your fresh cycles. An IVF cycle is considered failed if you dont get pregnant or have a first trimester miscarriage. But when you have a history of recurrent miscarriages thet arent willing to "share" the risk with you. So we would have to do single cycle IVF at about $10K plus meds each cycle versus $20K plus meds for the shared risk IVF. I cant even think about it anymore, my head is spinning.

I realized last night that my infertility struggles have changed me so much, I really dont know how to have fun anymore. I have this constant cloud of depression over me. I wanted to badly to get out of the house and DO something. So we went to a friends house. And I just sat there on the couch while everyone played poker and drank and had a good time. I just sat on the couch, isolated and alone. I really need to stop. I want to have fun, I want to be the person I used to be. I just dont know how to do that right now.

My body failed me once again

so today at 11-12DPO I started having more of a light red flow. Its my period coming, despite the prometrium. With a shorter LP than my normal 13-14 days. My RE said to continue the prometrium until Friday and not to count this as CD1 yet. On friday I am supposed to call him to work out the next treatment cycle. I dont know what he is going to do because next week he is only in the office Monday and Tuesday due to the holiday.

I am so angry right now. 1800 fucking dollars thrown in the trash basically. I dont know how much longer we can afford to do this. We just completed our bankruptcy to get into a better financial situation, only to start dropping thousands on infertility treatments.

And if one more person tells me to stop stressing I am going to punch them in the vagina!! Seriously, I updated my failed cycle on facebook only to have someone tell me to "stop stressing, it will happen" DON'T TELL ME TO STOP STRESSING!!! I have a right to stress, I have a right to be pissed off, sad, depressed and to be a big emotional ball of bitterness and anger. It is me who lost 3 babies not you, it is me who has been trying to have a child for 2 fucking years, it is me who just spent $1800 on a failed cycle. Not you. Until you have been through what I have you cant say shit to me. And even if you have, you still cant say shit to me. Dont make me feel like my stress is unwarranted, or me stressing is causing me to be infertile. Because its not. Infertility isnt cause by stress. Its a medical diagnosis and a real medical problem.

PHEW....ok I feel better. Well not really but at least I got it off my chest. I'm gonna go take a shower right now so I can cry hysterically where my DH cant hear me.

This is the hardest part

So today I am 10 days post IUI and 9-10DPO. I tested BFN on a FRER. Of course I am, and have been, having a ton of pregnancy symptoms but that is due to the Prometrium I have been taking. So I have done very well about not analyzing symptoms. Until today......

I had 1 episode of pink spotting. I NEVER NEVER have spotting. Not in my luteal phase, not before my period and not in any of my 3 pregnancies. This is something totally new. The rational part of me is saying "ignore it" but the irrational part of me is saying "maybe it's implantation bleeding"

Ugh......this 2WW is gonna drive me nuts

So I decided to take the plunge....

and write a blog. I guess I will start with a little bit about me.

I'm Vanessa, I am 28. I've been married for 2 1/2 years to my high school sweetheart and love of my life, Brandon. We have struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage for 2 years. This is important as most of this blog will revolve around my struggles with infertility.

A little background of my infertility journey.... I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) I dont regularly ovulate (produce eggs) on my own. I also have a luteal phase defect where my body doesnt produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. This is fixed with supplements. I have been pregnant 3 times, yet we have no babies. I lost a baby at 15 weeks, a baby girl at 10 weeks and another baby at 4 weeks. I also have a blood clotting disorder (an increased Protein C activity) that contributed to the loss of my babies.

My first pregnancy was conceived naturally, though it took 7 months. It was pure luck. My 2nd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid (a fertility drug) and my 3rd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid with an HCG trigger shot.

I just finished my first cycle with injectible fertility drugs, Menopur and Bravelle. This was paired with intrauterine insemination (IUI). I am hoping with everything in me that it worked. The cost for this 1 cycle was close to $2000. And that was with ordering the meds from Eurpope. That price would have been doubled had I ordered them in the US. I am also taking prometrium to raise my progesterone levels and baby aspirin to help the blood clotting disorder.

The last 2 years has been a total cluster fuck of emotions for me and my husband. The emotional ups and downs are insane, we have gone from "Yay we're pregnant" and happy and preparing for a baby to hear, "I'm sorry your baby has no heart beat" TWICE. We had a whirlwind pregnancy where we only knew for 3 days before I found out I would miscarry. That one wasnt as hard, I hardly had time to process it. The other 2 were the absolute most devastating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw my baby heartbeats, I saw them move on an ultrasound machine, I was buying baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. And in an instant it was all gone, instead of being in a delivery room pushing out a baby, I was taken to an operating room and had my babies ripped from my body, TWICE.

Not only have the miscarriages taken a toll on my emotionally, the struggle and disappointment of infertility has forever changed the person I am. I feel cheated. I feel like I should be able to just get pregnant, no trying, taking ovulation tests, going to multiple dr visits, spending $2000 a cycle on drugs, straining my marriage because I am in a constant state of anger, bitterness and basically obsessed with getting pregnant. Its not fair. I shouldn't have to go through this. I know I should be fortunate I can afford the treatments, and I am, but it is just not fair. There is no other way to explain it.

I hardly have any faith and hope left anymore. Even this cycle with 4, possibly 5 eggs and perfect timing with the IUI and such an increased chance of conceiving. I can only be pessimistic and think that in a week my period will come and I will have wasted $2000 on nothing. I have no hope. I have my guard up and live in a constant state of thinking I will never be a mom, so when it does happen I will be really surprised.

The loss of my babies and my struggles with infertility affect my life everyday. I cant look at pregnant women or babies without being near tears. Recently when a friend told me that her and her husband decided to start trying to get pregnant, all I could think is "oh no! She will get pregnant AND have a baby before I do". I am so angry, jealous and bitter. I cant go to baby showers, I cant go to visit a friend who had a new baby. I just cant. At night I cry. I am so frustrated with this whole process. Sometimes I feel like I cant do it anymore, but I also feel like I cant stop.

I feel horrible for my husband, I feel like I make him think that I am not happy with what our life is. I love him more than anything and I am happy with our marriage and the life we have. But it will never be complete without a child. I will do everything in my power to have a child, I will never accept a life being childless.

Very few people in my life understand what I have been through in the last 2 years. I get a lot of "stop stressing" "just relax and it will happen" "It will happen when its meant to be". The insensitivity of people baffles me. I guess its just that they dont understand. If you have never struggled to have a child there really is no way you can understand. Dont tell me to relax, dont tell me to pray, dont tell me to have hope. None of that is going to solve anything. I have true and real MEDICAL problems that prevent me from conceiving and carrying a pregnancy. No amount of praying, hoping or relaxing will fix it.

I get a lot of support from a website called Baby Center. I found this online community when I was pregnant with my first baby, I didnt go there for a few months after my miscarriage but I found my way back to their miscarriage and infant loss support group. From there I moved on to the Actively Trying group where I met some of the greatest friends who fully understood what I was going through, over a year later I still talk with these girls online and over the phone. I am also a group owner of Actively Trying, which is the largest trying to conceive board on Baby Center. It helps me to go on there and share my knowledge of infertility and help others get to know their bodies better. I probably spend way too much time on there, but I really enjoy it. I feel like I can speak freely about my feelings about my infertility and miscarriages there, where I cant in real life.