and write a blog. I guess I will start with a little bit about me.
I'm Vanessa, I am 28. I've been married for 2 1/2 years to my high school sweetheart and love of my life, Brandon. We have struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage for 2 years. This is important as most of this blog will revolve around my struggles with infertility.
A little background of my infertility journey.... I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) I dont regularly ovulate (produce eggs) on my own. I also have a luteal phase defect where my body doesnt produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. This is fixed with supplements. I have been pregnant 3 times, yet we have no babies. I lost a baby at 15 weeks, a baby girl at 10 weeks and another baby at 4 weeks. I also have a blood clotting disorder (an increased Protein C activity) that contributed to the loss of my babies.
My first pregnancy was conceived naturally, though it took 7 months. It was pure luck. My 2nd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid (a fertility drug) and my 3rd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid with an HCG trigger shot.
I just finished my first cycle with injectible fertility drugs, Menopur and Bravelle. This was paired with intrauterine insemination (IUI). I am hoping with everything in me that it worked. The cost for this 1 cycle was close to $2000. And that was with ordering the meds from Eurpope. That price would have been doubled had I ordered them in the US. I am also taking prometrium to raise my progesterone levels and baby aspirin to help the blood clotting disorder.
The last 2 years has been a total cluster fuck of emotions for me and my husband. The emotional ups and downs are insane, we have gone from "Yay we're pregnant" and happy and preparing for a baby to hear, "I'm sorry your baby has no heart beat" TWICE. We had a whirlwind pregnancy where we only knew for 3 days before I found out I would miscarry. That one wasnt as hard, I hardly had time to process it. The other 2 were the absolute most devastating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw my baby heartbeats, I saw them move on an ultrasound machine, I was buying baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. And in an instant it was all gone, instead of being in a delivery room pushing out a baby, I was taken to an operating room and had my babies ripped from my body, TWICE.
Not only have the miscarriages taken a toll on my emotionally, the struggle and disappointment of infertility has forever changed the person I am. I feel cheated. I feel like I should be able to just get pregnant, no trying, taking ovulation tests, going to multiple dr visits, spending $2000 a cycle on drugs, straining my marriage because I am in a constant state of anger, bitterness and basically obsessed with getting pregnant. Its not fair. I shouldn't have to go through this. I know I should be fortunate I can afford the treatments, and I am, but it is just not fair. There is no other way to explain it.
I hardly have any faith and hope left anymore. Even this cycle with 4, possibly 5 eggs and perfect timing with the IUI and such an increased chance of conceiving. I can only be pessimistic and think that in a week my period will come and I will have wasted $2000 on nothing. I have no hope. I have my guard up and live in a constant state of thinking I will never be a mom, so when it does happen I will be really surprised.
The loss of my babies and my struggles with infertility affect my life everyday. I cant look at pregnant women or babies without being near tears. Recently when a friend told me that her and her husband decided to start trying to get pregnant, all I could think is "oh no! She will get pregnant AND have a baby before I do". I am so angry, jealous and bitter. I cant go to baby showers, I cant go to visit a friend who had a new baby. I just cant. At night I cry. I am so frustrated with this whole process. Sometimes I feel like I cant do it anymore, but I also feel like I cant stop.
I feel horrible for my husband, I feel like I make him think that I am not happy with what our life is. I love him more than anything and I am happy with our marriage and the life we have. But it will never be complete without a child. I will do everything in my power to have a child, I will never accept a life being childless.
Very few people in my life understand what I have been through in the last 2 years. I get a lot of "stop stressing" "just relax and it will happen" "It will happen when its meant to be". The insensitivity of people baffles me. I guess its just that they dont understand. If you have never struggled to have a child there really is no way you can understand. Dont tell me to relax, dont tell me to pray, dont tell me to have hope. None of that is going to solve anything. I have true and real MEDICAL problems that prevent me from conceiving and carrying a pregnancy. No amount of praying, hoping or relaxing will fix it.
I get a lot of support from a website called Baby Center. I found this online community when I was pregnant with my first baby, I didnt go there for a few months after my miscarriage but I found my way back to their miscarriage and infant loss support group. From there I moved on to the Actively Trying group where I met some of the greatest friends who fully understood what I was going through, over a year later I still talk with these girls online and over the phone. I am also a group owner of Actively Trying, which is the largest trying to conceive board on Baby Center. It helps me to go on there and share my knowledge of infertility and help others get to know their bodies better. I probably spend way too much time on there, but I really enjoy it. I feel like I can speak freely about my feelings about my infertility and miscarriages there, where I cant in real life.
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