So now I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Our baby GIRL is doing great. Yep she is a girl. Her name is Brooklen. We are so excited and grateful to be having a healthy pregnancy this far, I feel like this is a dream come true and I am still waiting to wake up and have it all be a dream.
So things are going good. Diabetes is in control. Baby's heartbeat is good, I am beginning to feel her move and kick here and there, although not consistently yet. We bought the furniture for the nursery and we are having fun buying all the cute girly things.
For the first time in the last 3 and a half years I feel happy.
But my emotions and feelings from infertility and pregnancy loss are far from gone. I know I am pregnant with a healthy baby and that I should put all of the past 3 years behind me. But when I was in the thick of my infertility journey, I always said that it caused scars for life. I am now realizing that it is so true. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. It was the most devastation, emotion and turmoil my 12 year relationship with my husband has had to endure, and sometimes I wondered if we would make it. In 4 days it will be 2 years since the loss of my second baby (one of my girls) and although I wish I could let the day pass by without a thought, I find myself thinking of that baby, daydreaming of what my life would be like if she were here. I would never trade the baby girl bouncing inside of me, but she will never replace the one's I lost either. My losses haunt me everyday. There isnt a day that goes by that I don't have this moment of fear that something is wrong with my baby. Every doctors appointment is spent full of anxiety waiting for the doctor to not find the heartbeat or to be told something is wrong with our baby. I thought that as the pregnancy progressed that would go away, but it doesn't.
This is a blog that was shared by a friend, and it really sums up the emotions of infertility http://ilikepolaroids.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-gentle.html.
I dread the day when I have to go through all this again. In the end when you have your baby, it is worth it, but while you are going through it it is life changing and emotionally charged and it just sucks.