This blog is about my life and my struggles with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. If you dont want to hear me whine about my struggles then you probably shouldnt read it

Monday, December 27, 2010

still waiting....and waiting...and waiting

So today is CD40. No ovulation, no period. Nothing. I ordered my injections on Friday in hopes that I would start having anovulation bleeding soon and could start my next injectables and IUI cycle, but no. My life could not be that easy.

So I guess I will call my RE tomorrow and ask for Provera. He told me to call if no period by CD35 but I was hoping it would come on its own since last time I took Provera it turned into a big fucking mess and I needed 2 courses to finally get a period, took 30 days from start to finish. Had I waited I would have probably started on my own sooner.

The depression is sinking in again. In less than a month will be the anniversary of my first angel baby's due date. On January 18th I would have been celebrating my baby's first birthday. On Jan 21st will be a year that I found out I was pregnant with my angel baby girl. I am hoping I will have good luck and get pregnant in January again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Infertility ettiquette

This is from a website called It is a website designed to offer support and services for people suffering from infertility. There is one particularly helpful page, regarding infertility ettiquette. This really hits home for me, during this 25 month long journey I have heard all of these things. And even though others think they are helpful and I may not seem they upset me, everytime I hear things like this it feels like a knife is going through my heart. Here it is

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Still waiting....

So today is CD14 with no signs of ovulation approaching. Of course I didnt expect any different since I am not on meds this cycle. This seems like the longest wait ever. I have been trying really hard to distract myself with Christmas shopping and decorating. But it really isnt working.All I did was spend money that I should have been saving for my treatment cycles.

Today marks 25 months since we started trying to have a baby. That is a long fucking time!! My husband still insist that "it hasnt been that long". What the fuck ever. Maybe in man time it hasnt been that long, but in real time its long. Go take a poll of every one we know and see how many took 25 months to have a baby. Oh thats right......NO ONE!!!

I wish there was some way to take my mind off of all of it. But I know I am being ridiculous to think there is a way to forget. To forget all the heartache, frustration and devastation....there is no way. I really dont even think getting pregnant will take it away.

Not much else to say today.....just waiting and waiting and waiting

Sunday, November 21, 2010

now we take a break

So the decision from my RE was that we sit this cycle out. His vacation will inferfere with the timing of my IUI. So there is no choice but to wait for my next cycle and then take another try with the injectables and IUI.

So now I fucking wait. With virtually no chance of getting pregnant. And I wait the torturous 40+ days until my period comes again. This makes me so angry!!! I am frustrated beyond belief.

So today I started researching IVF. And found that we would be ineligible for shared risk IVF because we have had 3 miscarriages. With Shared Risk IVF you pay a little more but you get X amount of fresh cycles and as many cycles with frozen embryos as you can get that are leftovers from your fresh cycles. An IVF cycle is considered failed if you dont get pregnant or have a first trimester miscarriage. But when you have a history of recurrent miscarriages thet arent willing to "share" the risk with you. So we would have to do single cycle IVF at about $10K plus meds each cycle versus $20K plus meds for the shared risk IVF. I cant even think about it anymore, my head is spinning.

I realized last night that my infertility struggles have changed me so much, I really dont know how to have fun anymore. I have this constant cloud of depression over me. I wanted to badly to get out of the house and DO something. So we went to a friends house. And I just sat there on the couch while everyone played poker and drank and had a good time. I just sat on the couch, isolated and alone. I really need to stop. I want to have fun, I want to be the person I used to be. I just dont know how to do that right now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My body failed me once again

so today at 11-12DPO I started having more of a light red flow. Its my period coming, despite the prometrium. With a shorter LP than my normal 13-14 days. My RE said to continue the prometrium until Friday and not to count this as CD1 yet. On friday I am supposed to call him to work out the next treatment cycle. I dont know what he is going to do because next week he is only in the office Monday and Tuesday due to the holiday.

I am so angry right now. 1800 fucking dollars thrown in the trash basically. I dont know how much longer we can afford to do this. We just completed our bankruptcy to get into a better financial situation, only to start dropping thousands on infertility treatments.

And if one more person tells me to stop stressing I am going to punch them in the vagina!! Seriously, I updated my failed cycle on facebook only to have someone tell me to "stop stressing, it will happen" DON'T TELL ME TO STOP STRESSING!!! I have a right to stress, I have a right to be pissed off, sad, depressed and to be a big emotional ball of bitterness and anger. It is me who lost 3 babies not you, it is me who has been trying to have a child for 2 fucking years, it is me who just spent $1800 on a failed cycle. Not you. Until you have been through what I have you cant say shit to me. And even if you have, you still cant say shit to me. Dont make me feel like my stress is unwarranted, or me stressing is causing me to be infertile. Because its not. Infertility isnt cause by stress. Its a medical diagnosis and a real medical problem.

PHEW....ok I feel better. Well not really but at least I got it off my chest. I'm gonna go take a shower right now so I can cry hysterically where my DH cant hear me.

Monday, November 15, 2010

This is the hardest part

So today I am 10 days post IUI and 9-10DPO. I tested BFN on a FRER. Of course I am, and have been, having a ton of pregnancy symptoms but that is due to the Prometrium I have been taking. So I have done very well about not analyzing symptoms. Until today......

I had 1 episode of pink spotting. I NEVER NEVER have spotting. Not in my luteal phase, not before my period and not in any of my 3 pregnancies. This is something totally new. The rational part of me is saying "ignore it" but the irrational part of me is saying "maybe it's implantation bleeding"

Ugh......this 2WW is gonna drive me nuts

Thursday, November 11, 2010

So I decided to take the plunge....

and write a blog. I guess I will start with a little bit about me.

I'm Vanessa, I am 28. I've been married for 2 1/2 years to my high school sweetheart and love of my life, Brandon. We have struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage for 2 years. This is important as most of this blog will revolve around my struggles with infertility.

A little background of my infertility journey.... I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) I dont regularly ovulate (produce eggs) on my own. I also have a luteal phase defect where my body doesnt produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. This is fixed with supplements. I have been pregnant 3 times, yet we have no babies. I lost a baby at 15 weeks, a baby girl at 10 weeks and another baby at 4 weeks. I also have a blood clotting disorder (an increased Protein C activity) that contributed to the loss of my babies.

My first pregnancy was conceived naturally, though it took 7 months. It was pure luck. My 2nd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid (a fertility drug) and my 3rd pregnancy was conceived with Clomid with an HCG trigger shot.

I just finished my first cycle with injectible fertility drugs, Menopur and Bravelle. This was paired with intrauterine insemination (IUI). I am hoping with everything in me that it worked. The cost for this 1 cycle was close to $2000. And that was with ordering the meds from Eurpope. That price would have been doubled had I ordered them in the US. I am also taking prometrium to raise my progesterone levels and baby aspirin to help the blood clotting disorder.

The last 2 years has been a total cluster fuck of emotions for me and my husband. The emotional ups and downs are insane, we have gone from "Yay we're pregnant" and happy and preparing for a baby to hear, "I'm sorry your baby has no heart beat" TWICE. We had a whirlwind pregnancy where we only knew for 3 days before I found out I would miscarry. That one wasnt as hard, I hardly had time to process it. The other 2 were the absolute most devastating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw my baby heartbeats, I saw them move on an ultrasound machine, I was buying baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. And in an instant it was all gone, instead of being in a delivery room pushing out a baby, I was taken to an operating room and had my babies ripped from my body, TWICE.

Not only have the miscarriages taken a toll on my emotionally, the struggle and disappointment of infertility has forever changed the person I am. I feel cheated. I feel like I should be able to just get pregnant, no trying, taking ovulation tests, going to multiple dr visits, spending $2000 a cycle on drugs, straining my marriage because I am in a constant state of anger, bitterness and basically obsessed with getting pregnant. Its not fair. I shouldn't have to go through this. I know I should be fortunate I can afford the treatments, and I am, but it is just not fair. There is no other way to explain it.

I hardly have any faith and hope left anymore. Even this cycle with 4, possibly 5 eggs and perfect timing with the IUI and such an increased chance of conceiving. I can only be pessimistic and think that in a week my period will come and I will have wasted $2000 on nothing. I have no hope. I have my guard up and live in a constant state of thinking I will never be a mom, so when it does happen I will be really surprised.

The loss of my babies and my struggles with infertility affect my life everyday. I cant look at pregnant women or babies without being near tears. Recently when a friend told me that her and her husband decided to start trying to get pregnant, all I could think is "oh no! She will get pregnant AND have a baby before I do". I am so angry, jealous and bitter. I cant go to baby showers, I cant go to visit a friend who had a new baby. I just cant. At night I cry. I am so frustrated with this whole process. Sometimes I feel like I cant do it anymore, but I also feel like I cant stop.

I feel horrible for my husband, I feel like I make him think that I am not happy with what our life is. I love him more than anything and I am happy with our marriage and the life we have. But it will never be complete without a child. I will do everything in my power to have a child, I will never accept a life being childless.

Very few people in my life understand what I have been through in the last 2 years. I get a lot of "stop stressing" "just relax and it will happen" "It will happen when its meant to be". The insensitivity of people baffles me. I guess its just that they dont understand. If you have never struggled to have a child there really is no way you can understand. Dont tell me to relax, dont tell me to pray, dont tell me to have hope. None of that is going to solve anything. I have true and real MEDICAL problems that prevent me from conceiving and carrying a pregnancy. No amount of praying, hoping or relaxing will fix it.

I get a lot of support from a website called Baby Center. I found this online community when I was pregnant with my first baby, I didnt go there for a few months after my miscarriage but I found my way back to their miscarriage and infant loss support group. From there I moved on to the Actively Trying group where I met some of the greatest friends who fully understood what I was going through, over a year later I still talk with these girls online and over the phone. I am also a group owner of Actively Trying, which is the largest trying to conceive board on Baby Center. It helps me to go on there and share my knowledge of infertility and help others get to know their bodies better. I probably spend way too much time on there, but I really enjoy it. I feel like I can speak freely about my feelings about my infertility and miscarriages there, where I cant in real life.