3 weeks tomorrow

3 weeks ago tomorrow I found out that I lost my 4th baby. I've been doing ok. Mostly existing. Going to work, hanging out with friends pretending like everything is fine. I must be doing a damn good job because no one has mentioned anything about my loss. I go through everyday with a fake smile on my face and every night when my husband is asleep I cry. I don't want him to be sad. I just want him to move on.

Some people I work with still don't know. On a daily basis I still get "how's the baby?" questions. I seriously want to slap some people, I know its not their fault but with each pregnancy question, I feel like a knife is being wielded farther in my heart.

My RE called me a couple weeks ago. Brandon had a chromosomal karotyping done on his blood and a semen analysis. I doubt those tests will tell us anything though. We basically do nothing and wait for test results. He once again assured me he reviewed my tests for recurrent miscarriage and everything is normal and nothing was missed.

Still waiting for the chromosomal karotyping on the baby. That will tell us the real story. I had my follow up appt with my OB last week. Physically normal and all healed fro my D&C, but the emotional scars will never go away.

I don't know where this journey is going now. After all the test results come back I have to go back to my RE and discuss our options as far as treatment.

I'm really starting to wonder how much more of this I can handle. 32 months now. 32 months of nothing but heartache. Its like a roller coaster that I can't get off. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I need antidepressants, but I don't think any medication can numb this pain. It controls my life, in every aspect. We are talking about a trip to Hawaii in the fall. But I can't book it now because I don't know what my treatment plan will be. I can't chance booking the trip only to find out that I have to get an ultrasound that week. Infertility is running my life. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't think there is any way to stop it.

Life is so unfair. Mother's kill their babies and don't even get punished (Casey Anthony) and people like me or my friend Tiffany who lost her baby boy at 38 weeks the day after my loss, have to suffer through a loss of a baby that we would have given our lives for. It's just not fair.