It's been a long time.....and some news

Im a horrible blog updater. But since my last entry we did 1 cycle of Clomid, Bravelle injections and a trigger shot. Which resulted in 2 follicles and............................

A pregnancy.

I swear I would be fertile myrtle if my ovaries worked right on their own.

So I'm 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. With an EDD of 8/11/12. Those of you reading, shhhhhhhhhh!! It's a secret! I've told select family and friends but haven't announced to extended family or FB yet. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. I may announce to the world on Christmas. But I really want to keep it a secret until I lay my eyes on a living and breathing baby. I don't want to hear all the "stay positive" and "everything will be fine this time". No one knows that. No one can guarantee that. And it's hard to stay positive when all I've experienced is a negative outcome.

Am I excited you ask? No not really. Now this is just part of the process. I get pregnant. Try to pretend I'm not and just wait to make it past the first trimester. My first US is always good. Then the next is where it all goes bad.

I've been feeling very depressed. The holidays are hard when you don't have children. Even though there may be one growing inside me, I don't see the light at the end of the childless tunnel. I think I have PTSD from my other losses. All I can think about is having another miscarriage. I'm stressing over what is going to happen if my US is on a Friday then I'll have to wait all weekend for a D&C. I'm dreaming about being on the OR table and waking up in recovery. My dreams always end bad. I never get to dream of a delivery with a healthy and full term baby. I'm not coping very well with my emotions right now. I should be enjoying pregnancy. Instead I'm counting the days until its over. Whether that be next week or 8 1/2 months from now. I just want to fast forward. I want a crystal ball. I just want to know this baby will make it. But there is no one who can give me that guarantee.