17 weeks!

So now I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Our baby GIRL is doing great. Yep she is a girl. Her name is Brooklen. We are so excited and grateful to be having a healthy pregnancy this far, I feel like this is a dream come true and I am still waiting to wake up and have it all be a dream.

So things are going good. Diabetes is in control. Baby's heartbeat is good, I am beginning to feel her move and kick here and there, although not consistently yet. We bought the furniture for the nursery and we are having fun buying all the cute girly things.

For the first time in the last 3 and a half years I feel happy.

But my emotions and feelings from infertility and pregnancy loss are far from gone. I know I am pregnant with a healthy baby and that I should put all of the past 3 years behind me. But when I was in the thick of my infertility journey, I always said that it caused scars for life. I am now realizing that it is so true. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. It was the most devastation, emotion and turmoil my 12 year relationship with my husband has had to endure, and sometimes I wondered if we would make it. In 4 days it will be 2 years since the loss of my second baby (one of my girls) and although I wish I could let the day pass by without a thought, I find myself thinking of that baby, daydreaming of what my life would be like if she were here. I would never trade the baby girl bouncing inside of me, but she will never replace the one's I lost either. My losses haunt me everyday. There isnt a day that goes by that I don't have this moment of fear that something is wrong with my baby. Every doctors appointment is spent full of anxiety waiting for the doctor to not find the heartbeat or to be told something is wrong with our baby. I thought that as the pregnancy progressed that would go away, but it doesn't.

This is a blog that was shared by a friend, and it really sums up the emotions of infertility http://ilikepolaroids.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-gentle.html.

I dread the day when I have to go through all this again. In the end when you have your baby, it is worth it, but while you are going through it it is life changing and emotionally charged and it just sucks.

It's been a long time.....and some news

Im a horrible blog updater. But since my last entry we did 1 cycle of Clomid, Bravelle injections and a trigger shot. Which resulted in 2 follicles and............................

A pregnancy.

I swear I would be fertile myrtle if my ovaries worked right on their own.

So I'm 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. With an EDD of 8/11/12. Those of you reading, shhhhhhhhhh!! It's a secret! I've told select family and friends but haven't announced to extended family or FB yet. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. I may announce to the world on Christmas. But I really want to keep it a secret until I lay my eyes on a living and breathing baby. I don't want to hear all the "stay positive" and "everything will be fine this time". No one knows that. No one can guarantee that. And it's hard to stay positive when all I've experienced is a negative outcome.

Am I excited you ask? No not really. Now this is just part of the process. I get pregnant. Try to pretend I'm not and just wait to make it past the first trimester. My first US is always good. Then the next is where it all goes bad.

I've been feeling very depressed. The holidays are hard when you don't have children. Even though there may be one growing inside me, I don't see the light at the end of the childless tunnel. I think I have PTSD from my other losses. All I can think about is having another miscarriage. I'm stressing over what is going to happen if my US is on a Friday then I'll have to wait all weekend for a D&C. I'm dreaming about being on the OR table and waking up in recovery. My dreams always end bad. I never get to dream of a delivery with a healthy and full term baby. I'm not coping very well with my emotions right now. I should be enjoying pregnancy. Instead I'm counting the days until its over. Whether that be next week or 8 1/2 months from now. I just want to fast forward. I want a crystal ball. I just want to know this baby will make it. But there is no one who can give me that guarantee.

A few Hawaii pics.

A Hawaiian sunset

Brandon and I at Waikiki Beach

The view from our hotel balcony (that is Waikiki Beach)

Waikiki beach sunset

Brandon and I at some blow hole thingy (can't remember the name) 

Brandon swimming at Kailua Beach park (one of Oahu's most popular beaches)

Pretty pink hibiscus

View of Honolulu from the top of the crater at Punchbowl (a war veterans cemetary)

Some really weird hybrid hibiscus

Pretty yellow hibiscus (can you tell I like hibiscus?)

oh I almost forgot!!

Hawaii came and went and it was wonderful, spending time with my DH with no one else around. No treatments, doctors appointments, work or stress. It was heavenly and I am sad to be back home. I'll add some pics later

Coming out of the depression

has anyone ever heard that doctors and nurses are the worst patients?

Its true. Absolutely true. I think I have mentioned before that I am diabetic. Type 2, but I have been on insulin since my first pregnancy over 2 years ago. I go through periods where I just don't care, and I stop taking my insulin and let my eating go to hell in a handbasket.

Since my loss in June, I've been going through one of those periods. I saw my primary doctor almost 2 months ago, I confessed my bad behavior and depression causing me to just not care anymore. I know the consequences of diabetes, I see them at work every day, but for some reason I feel like I have no reason to care, I may never be a mother, the one thing I want the most, so who cares if Diabetes kills me? My primary doctor ordered some labs and changed my insulin. I never had the labs done, never went to my follow up appointment, but I did fill my prescription for new insulin. But I didn't take it.

My husband has been on my ass lately about taking my insulin. Annoying to say the least, when I was first diagnosed as a diabetic, he used to criticize everything. I used to call him the diabetes police. So last week I started being good about taking my insulin, I took my Lantus each night and remembered to take my Novolog with probably 80% of my meals. This weekend my husband told me how much it bothered him that I wasn't taking care of myself. He said "why are we spending so much time and money to have babies when you probably won't be around to take care of them because you don't take care of yourself". WOW. He is right (damn it!) and I know he is.

So now the change starts. Starting Oct 1st I will be on a diet. I am already tracking my calories on myfitnesspal, although I am going way over my calorie goal. It will also allow me to track my carbs like I am supposed to. I am continuing to take my insulin as I am supposed to and I will start checking my blood sugar an hour after I eat like I am supposed to (I am so bad about taking insulin then not monitoring my blood sugar). We will exercise, at least 3 days a week minimum (I got the Couch 2 5K app). And NO MORE SODA! Ack.... I am a horrible REGULAR soda drinker. Only 1 a day but still so horrible for a diabetic.

This is not going to stop me from my treatments. On Oct 5th I have my repeat pap and once the results come back my RE will give me the ok to start treatments. By my calculations it will likely be November before we get started, so that gives me a good month to get my shit together with my blood sugars and to lose some weight. I will also continue to lose during treatments, I did it in the spring, I can do it now.

My break from life is almost here!

4 more days and I will be in Hawaii!!! I can't wait to get away from my life, infertility, loss and everything.  A whole week of no work, no family, no doctor's appointments and no stress. Just me, my husband and lots of sand and water.... and a few alcoholic drinks.

I'm struggling right now with not doing treatments. I swear these infertility treatments are like crack or something, highly addictive. Or maybe its the drive to have a baby that is highly addictive? I don't know. I keep trying to tell myself I have my vacation coming to keep my busy and then only a couple more weeks until my pap and then another week or so until I know if my TTC break will end or be extended.

I should be worried about my pap.... it showed squamous cells, which I know is pretty possibly cancer. I'm more worried that it is going to interfere with my TTC plans than it being a potential health hazard.

Update on my RE visit

So I thought I would update after my RE appt.

My Husband does not have a balanced translocation. He is a genetically normal male karotype. His semen analysis was great (309million sperm count, this made him proud)

So as far as answers, we have none. My RE brought up IVF with PGD, but said if I could get to where I can view losing pregnancies as part of the process, it is a waste of money.

I'm not sure how I can ever view losing babies as a process, but I guess in a way it is. With no answers linking my losses it is basically keep trying and see how many babies have to die before I get a take home baby. I do feel that I could go through more losses. It breaks my heart everytime but it breaks my heart more to give up on my dream of having a child.

So the plan is.....go back on my Clomid/injectables sequential protocol. But not until around November. I don't want a break, but my pap smear in June was abnormal and I have a follow up pap on Oct 5th. My RE wants a clear pap before I start TTC again. So I guess we wait. It's been 4 months since my last treatment cycle and it's killing me to not do anything.

On a happy note....we are going to Hawaii on Sept 10th. I can't wait for a break from the chaos of my life